Monday, August 20, 2012

Hair cut

I've always wanted to have a little boy with shaggy hair. Kind of like Dennen's hair before he cut it. Finn's hair is stick straight though, so it doesn't look the best when it starts to get too long. Boo. He just resembles a scarecrow.

Immediately after I took this picture of Finn kissing his puppy, I got the clippers and buzzed it off. The first pass through his hair I thought, "oh no, what have I done?!" His hair was still cute (albeit a little scarecrow-esque). But once you make the first pass, there's no going back. I think it looks pretty good. And I just have to remind myself that it will grow back. I still have some spots to touch up, but all in all, I think it's an improvement.

I was looking through some pictures of Finn today and found this one. This was his blessing day. I know all parents say it (and it's so cliche) but I can't believe how much he's grown and changed from the little 4lb nugget he used to be. Although, I may sometimes not be the best mom to him, and I often get grumpy... He really is so much fun to be around, and I am grateful for him every day!

Looking at these pictures reminds me of Rowan... The puppy that Finn has in the picture was given to me when I had Rowan. There was a nurse the night I came into the hospital that had also had a stillborn baby girl, and she was the one who gave it to me. She said that she always gave a stuffed puppy to her babies when they were born. It meant a lot to me. And still does. I told her that Finn would take care of his sister's puppy. Whenever I give Finn his puppy to go to sleep, I tell him that it was his sister Rowan's puppy and that he needs to give it kisses for her. It is by far his favorite stuffed animal.

The picture of Finn's blessing day also reminds me of Rowan. The white blanket that you see Finn wrapped in, was the blanket we buried her in. Some family friends gave it to us when we had Finn, and we thought that it would be an appropriate way to connect our two children.

I'd like to share something that my friend, Kim, wrote to me recently. " I know that when hard things happen to us everyone gives a lot of support in the beginning and then it fizzles a little, but we are still hurting. I just wanted you to know that you are still on my mind and I think about you often. Also, I had a dream a while ago that I wasn't going to tell you because I thought you might think it was weird, but I changed my mind. So, sorry if you think I'm crazy. I had a dream that I was going over to your house to hangout and when I walked in I saw Finn sitting on a chair, talking, and laughing with a girl who was older than him (she was sitting on the chair with him). Immediately, I knew she was a spirit and it was his little sister (she was an adult spirit in my dream). I remember thinking how close the other side is to us. I'm sure your little Rowan is very close to you and I'm sure she has a sweet little relationship with Finn that you don't even know about. Anyways, I wanted to let you know about this dream." 

Kim lost her mom to breast cancer when she was younger... Thinking back to when I first met her in college, I can't believe how tough it must have been for her. I know that may times, it is only the people who have been through heart-ache that can truly grasp and understand your situation. Even if their loss is different. Their hurt is still very similar.

Often times I know I make myself too busy. I think that people in general, need to have a happy medium so that we can sit, meditate, and contemplate the things in this life that matter most. I think part of the reason I make myself so busy is because I'm afraid of feeling emotion again. I can accept feelings like happiness, anger, anticipation, pity, shame, calmness, and love. But sadness and heartache are tough ones to deal with. I'm going to try harder to sit and meditate more. To be calm. To feel Rowan's presence. I know that she is part of our family, and always will be.


Kari said...

Good post! I love that you connected them with the same blanket. The fizzling support comment is so true, and it makes me feel guilty. I'm still thinking about you and hoping you're doing ok.

Anonymous said...

The people in our ward, my friends, our family always ask about you. "How is Hilary doing?" and it's not about life in general, but about you and Dennen and Finn and your loss of Rowan. They are, or course, interested in the "goings ons," but sincerely care about your heart and this healing process. Perhaps there is more freedom to express concern to me over your loss because I am not the parent. The support is still there and the power of love among humanity and from God continues to ease our sorrows.

The Kynastons said...

I love Finn's haircut! Its so cute and it makes him look so old...which is probably a good/bad thing for you. :)

I also love what your friend said about Finn and Rowan probably having a special little relationship. I bet thats true. I have no doubts she will always be near, rooting her big brother on in this life.