2 Years...

Rowan's birthday was on the 28th of February. I can't believe it's been 2 years since she passed away... It's funny how when kids enter your life the time goes by like they've always been there, whereas any other 2, 3, or 4 years of your life seamed insignificant. Being able to talk with others who have recently had a baby die makes me realize part of the reason Rowan died. People need a listening and empathetic ear when they have a child die, and I feel like Rowan has given me that.

We were able to visit her grave and let 2 balloons go for her 2nd birthday. We also put some cute polka dot pin wheels on her grave. It's good to have her grave and feel her little hand-print that we got etched into her grave marker. I also hope that visiting her grave and remembering her are ways for Finn and Margo to recognize the truly important things in this life.

I love this quote from a book I have: "Why are our little children whom we love so tenderly, taken from us? One reason is to impel us to ask this very question; to fill us with a yearning to know; to draw out our very souls in a search for an explanation. Such a search leads us out of this world into a higher one, and discloses to us truths and principles which we must learn if ever we are saved in the kingdom of God. When one of our little ones is taken from us we are made to realize our helplessness, and that there is One in whose hand is held the power of life and death; and we begin to believe in God more than we did before. Faith in God, the principle by which we are saved, is strengthened." - Angel Children

Christmas

Before Christmas Maine got some pretty big ice storms (and they're still coming). Dennen had to chisel the ice off of our cars multiple times. Not just a little bit of ice either, it was at least an inch thick! Finn enjoyed going out to help.

We had our family Christmas a few days early because we flew on Christmas Eve to Utah. Finn got some wooden building blocks, a puzzle, and some matchbox cars (always a favorite). Margo just enjoyed the bustle in her little Christmas outfit. She did get a peacock baby toy from my parents that she loves!

While in Utah, we've been able to visit with a lot of family. Some of which we haven't seen in over a year. We also took Margo and Finn to visit their sister Rowan's grave. Finn has been having a grand ol' time with his cousins Thomas, Emma, and Joseph. He even had a sleepover at their house the other night (lucky guy). I love seeing them play together! There aren't a lot of kids in Maine that Finn plays with so it's been really nice for him to have some playmates.

2 Months Old

Margo is such a sweetie! I love kissing her chubby little cheeks. She "coos" quite a bit and smiles. She is getting pretty good at tummy time and lifting her head. She'll sleep for a 6-7 hour chunk at night. Finn is a great source of entertainment for her. She snuggles and I love it! Not much of a binky lover besides for sleeping sometimes (which I'm totally fine with). And she loves taking a bath with Finn.

My mom has gotten them both some matching Thanksgiving and Christmas pajamas recently that are so cute! We had some friends from Portland come to our place for Thanksgiving. It was so fun and we were happy to have the company. Finn is getting really excited for Christmas (which he pronounces "keh-mas"). When he disobeys from time to time, all I have to say is "maybe Santa won't bring you any presents and just coal..." Then he quickly responds, "no, no, I'll be good! I don't want coal! It's yucky like garbage!" I wonder if any parents have ever actually given their kids coal? I wouldn't have the heart to.

We had a little bit of snow one day and I helped Finn make a snowman. He actually wanted to call it a "snow bear". Finn has so much stinking energy these days! It's fun to see how excited he gets about things and his zest for life, but man, somehow it's draining... Now that our cold and dark Maine winter is here and the temperatures are in the single digits, I feel like we all need to get out and move around a bit more. Dennen tries to make time for me to go to the gym which is nice. Speaking of Dennen, he was a great dad and put up some Christmas lights for Finn.

At this time of year I am grateful for so much. I love my little family and how they help me learn to be a better person every day.

Our Memorial Day

After a week of not seeing the sun, and constant rain, it was finally a sunny day yesterday!! We headed to the beach for a picnic with friends. Finn really enjoyed getting out and playing with the other kids. We finished up the day by going on a jog through Evergreen Cemetery and putting a flower on another baby girl's grave (to help us remember Rowan). Finn liked the angel and the little frog that were also on the grave.

Number 3

I figure it's time that I tell friends and family that I'm pregnant. I think I'll always be reluctant to tell people I'm pregnant because of the perspective I've gained from Rowan's death and from Finn's not so easy beginnings.

I never want to be one of those women who shout it from the roof tops that they're pregnant. First, because you never know what another woman's situation may be. She may have just lost a baby, or maybe she isn't able to get pregnant (reasons why you should also probably never ask when or if a woman is planning on having kids).

Second, you never know what will happen. This baby could die tomorrow for all I know. Maybe that sounds a little pessimistic to some, but if you'd been through what I have, I bet you could see where I'm coming from. I've realized that where childbirth seems to come easy to some, there are many, many others that it doesn't.

Dennen and I feel excitement and hope, but at the same time, we also have feelings of apprehension and doubt. It's almost as if you want to protect yourself by not feeling at all because you don't want to get hurt again.

I'm about 19 weeks right now. Coming up on the half way point! I am due October 8th (but taking in to account my past track record... I'm guessing September sometime).  Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I'll try to do updates here and there for our family and friends.

Rowan's Birthday

One year ago today was the hardest day of my life. We had hopes of bringing a baby girl into the world, but our hearts were broken when we found out that she had died. Nothing can compare to that sinking, falling, moment in time when the world just doesn't seem like it will ever be right again.

Now that a year has passed, we are able to look back at all of the love that people have showed us, and continue to show us. Maybe that's one of the reasons difficult things happen to people... To bring out one of the best qualities in human beings, unconditional love for others who are struggling.

Today wasn't a day of sadness. It was a day of love and remembrance. It was also a day to remember others who are going through dark times of their own. I have a friend who just recently lost her twin baby girls after they were born on the 26th. So close to Rowan's birthday... It's those people who I think of now. Not myself. I was in her shoes a year ago and I haven't forgotten what it felt like. I doubt I ever will. Which is a good thing, because it gives one perspective and empathy for others.

I told Finn that it was Rowan's birthday today. And he said, "birthday cake?" I told him probably not today, but we would go get a balloon and a flower to put in the cemetery on a grave. He was really excited to let the balloon go up in the sky to "send it to Heaven for Rowan". We also looked through her memory box and at the book we had made for her.

I am grateful to God for carrying us through this year. And I am grateful that she will always be part of our family.

It's Been Awhile

I've needed to take a break with a lot of things in my life lately (everything "internet" was included in this). I've had some people tell me that they miss my blog posts. Even a blogger friend wrote me an email to see how I am doing, and to let me know she likes reading our blog and misses it. Thanks :).

I have been doing pretty good, although with the 1 year anniversary of Rowan's death coming up I have had a lot on my mind... I've decided to actually come up with some New Year's Goals this year (I never usually do) to help me through some stress I've been dealing with lately. I think it should help. When Rowan passed away, I was always open to the idea of going to therapy if I felt like I truly needed it. But for me, the best therapy I can give myself is writing. When I was a kid/adolescent, I filled up 5 journals. It has really helped me throughout my life. I'm going to continue to post on our blog as well as in my journal (which is one of my goals).

Well, I guess I'll catch everyone up with our recent going-on's. I never got around to posting the pictures from our Thanksgiving (I know that's forever ago...). Anyway, we had 20 people over to our 2 bedroom apartment. It was so much fun!! My brother and his now fiance, Emily, and her two boys, Mason and Milo, even came from New York and stayed with us. After Thanksgiving, we even had a lobster dinner with them. We're so excited for them to join our family!

During the first week of December, Dennen's mom came out and flew back to Utah with Finn and me. Dennen wasn't able to come until his final's were over on the 22nd. Dennen's mom works for JetBlue, so it was a better deal for us to go with her. Thanks Gundi!

It sure was nice to see both of our families over the holidays. We were able to see some of our long-time Utah friends as well. Finn had an overabundance of people and cousins to play with. And Dennen and I were able to go skiing at Alta. It was a good time!

Thankful

Although, this year has been trying for us as a family, I have much to be grateful for. The numerous acts of kindness and love that have been shown to us this past year have changed my perceptions on life on so many different levels. I have all of the letters people wrote to us saved in a special box where I keep all of the tangible memories of Rowan. Occasionally, I tend to think of the certain things people said or did that upset me. During those moments, I just try to remind myself of all love that many other people offered. No one is perfect.

I am so thankful for my amazing family and friends. They are a big part of what keep me going. The friends we have met in Maine have been so great. That was one of my biggest fears about moving away from friends and family in Utah. Not finding friends quickly.

When my parents visited, my mom collected some Maine acorns and took them back to Utah with her. She surprised me the other day when she sent me a picture of Rowan's grave with the acorns on them. Thanks mom :)

A Pumpkin for Rowan

My niece colored this pumpkin and wanted to put it on Rowan's grave. Thank you for being so thoughtful Emma :)

Knit Baby Sweater

Since moving to Maine, I've gotten together with some friends to have "knitting nights". Basically we talk, kind of knit, watch netflix movies, and eat. Fun times for sure. This baby sweater was a project that I started way back when... And I finally finished it!

It's going in the mail today to my cousin Katie. She is having her first baby boy next month. I am pretty close with my cousins (considering I only have 5). They are very supportive and always show so much love to me and my family. 

After Rowan died, Katie sent me care packages in the mail about every week until we moved to Maine. They included all sorts of fun things. Playdough, Slinkys, card games, colored pens, candy, and more. I really enjoyed getting them, especially after all we'd been through. 

Thanks for being a great cousin! I can't wait to meet your little guy!

Oh, and I pretty much love this song and video. Dennen introduced me to bandcamp, which is where I heard it.

Thoughts on Grieving

My mom sent me some pictures the other day of Rowan's grave. Even though we are so far away, we have had numerous friends and family send us pictures of her grave decorated with flowers. Thank you so much!

I was thinking back to the day that we brought Finn home from the hospital after he was born. When Dennen and I were leaving the hospital there was a nurse's aid that walked us out to our car. She had to make sure that we put the car-seat in correctly (which of course we hadn't because he was 3 weeks early). On our way out to our car I asked her if she had any children. She told us that she had recently had a stillborn baby and that today was her first day back to work. Partly because of all of my hormones returning to baseline, but mainly because of sympathy I sobbed the whole way home. How unfair was it that we were going home with a baby when she didn't get to. And what a difficult job she had. Having to work on the Labor and Delivery Floor, and seeing new baby after new baby, when she didn't have her own.

The other day, a woman from my old church congregation contacted me for some words of advice. She told me that her twins were going to probably be stillborn, or if they did make it past delivery, not live for more than a few days or weeks. She said, "we know we will lose them and I was wondering how you found peace in this whole horrible process."

Many people probably wonder why I write down any of the experiences and feelings I had after Rowan's death. Part of the reason is because it helps me, and I want to have a journal of it. A bigger part, is because I know that others will have similar heartache to pass through. Having someone that can empathize with them can be helpful.

My heart aches for you... It is never easy in any circumstance. I was able to read a lot of very good books and other things that slowly brought peace back into my life. One of the hardest parts of healing for me, was coming to terms that life could be livable again with happiness.

I didn't have to endure any stress during my pregnancy with Rowan because we didn't know that anything was wrong until she stopped moving. I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now. I am so sorry.

I didn't sleep well after I deliverd Rowan for sometime. I was able to get a prescription for a sleeping pill that I took for about a month on and off. It helped. And I'm glad I took it because Dennen had no problem falling asleep, and I would just be laying there crying (although sometimes I woke him up). Writing was what helped me heal and feel the most peace. I would sit down in the middle of the night or early morning and start writing in my journal or on our blog, and just sob. I would cry, and cry, until I was so exhausted that I would finally fall asleep.  

Although it may be easier to be private during this seemingly unbearable heartache, I know that others helped me through, and that they will be able to help you through as well. Sometimes it was a complete stranger, or someone that I barely even knew, who knew what I needed to hear and how to help me best. I guess that's part of the reason I write on our blog. I want others who may have to pass through similar heartache to be able to read my posts and to contact me if they need a listening ear. Which is why I'm glad you wrote me. 

Family is amazing and nice to have, but many times they don't even understand. Even though they love you, they don't really know what you're going through. They can sympathize, but can't empathize. I would get frustrated sometimes that they just didn't "get it". Dennen didn't have to pass through the emotional pain as well as physical pain that I went through. That's where Christ came in. I never thought I would be able to feel the atonement play such a big part in my life. I've never done any grievous sins. But I guess I didn't fully understand the atonement before Rowan died. It truly is for everything. Although it took time, all the pain and heartache was able to be lifted from my shoulders. It was a miracle. That is the only way to explain it.

I did find it difficult to take care of Finn after Rowan died. I would get upset with him easier than before. I wasn't able to take care of myself and Finn. That is where my family and friends came in. They did so much. I can never repay them for how much they helped us out. My parents and Dennen's parents would watch and play with Finn. Finn's aunts and uncles stepped in to watch him as well. I would have friends call me up to get out and do things with them and their kids'. That was another thing that helped me (when I was ready). Getting out and doing things. At first it seemed pointless and I also felt guilty for doing anything. It was almost as if I felt like I was dishonoring Rowan's memory by trying to hold myself together and enjoy life. It does help though. Being around people helped me heal. Although they don't always know what to say, and may sometimes say something that is inappropriate or seemingly rude, they mean well, and they love you. Let them help.

I will send you a book, and a list of some others as well this week. I know that time seems to stop when you're in the midst of all the heartache... Please don't hesitate to write me again. It can be very lonely sometimes, even with Heavenly Father and Christ.

When we walked out to our car with the nurse's aid that day, I know we were meant to meet her so that we could appreciate our new baby, Finn. But also, that we would be able to know that people loose babies and children everyday. There is always someone out there going through heartache. It is something we all need to remember. 

Hair cut

I've always wanted to have a little boy with shaggy hair. Kind of like Dennen's hair before he cut it. Finn's hair is stick straight though, so it doesn't look the best when it starts to get too long. Boo. He just resembles a scarecrow.

Immediately after I took this picture of Finn kissing his puppy, I got the clippers and buzzed it off. The first pass through his hair I thought, "oh no, what have I done?!" His hair was still cute (albeit a little scarecrow-esque). But once you make the first pass, there's no going back. I think it looks pretty good. And I just have to remind myself that it will grow back. I still have some spots to touch up, but all in all, I think it's an improvement.

I was looking through some pictures of Finn today and found this one. This was his blessing day. I know all parents say it (and it's so cliche) but I can't believe how much he's grown and changed from the little 4lb nugget he used to be. Although, I may sometimes not be the best mom to him, and I often get grumpy... He really is so much fun to be around, and I am grateful for him every day!

Looking at these pictures reminds me of Rowan... The puppy that Finn has in the picture was given to me when I had Rowan. There was a nurse the night I came into the hospital that had also had a stillborn baby girl, and she was the one who gave it to me. She said that she always gave a stuffed puppy to her babies when they were born. It meant a lot to me. And still does. I told her that Finn would take care of his sister's puppy. Whenever I give Finn his puppy to go to sleep, I tell him that it was his sister Rowan's puppy and that he needs to give it kisses for her. It is by far his favorite stuffed animal.

The picture of Finn's blessing day also reminds me of Rowan. The white blanket that you see Finn wrapped in, was the blanket we buried her in. Some family friends gave it to us when we had Finn, and we thought that it would be an appropriate way to connect our two children.

I'd like to share something that my friend, Kim, wrote to me recently. " I know that when hard things happen to us everyone gives a lot of support in the beginning and then it fizzles a little, but we are still hurting. I just wanted you to know that you are still on my mind and I think about you often. Also, I had a dream a while ago that I wasn't going to tell you because I thought you might think it was weird, but I changed my mind. So, sorry if you think I'm crazy. I had a dream that I was going over to your house to hangout and when I walked in I saw Finn sitting on a chair, talking, and laughing with a girl who was older than him (she was sitting on the chair with him). Immediately, I knew she was a spirit and it was his little sister (she was an adult spirit in my dream). I remember thinking how close the other side is to us. I'm sure your little Rowan is very close to you and I'm sure she has a sweet little relationship with Finn that you don't even know about. Anyways, I wanted to let you know about this dream." 

Kim lost her mom to breast cancer when she was younger... Thinking back to when I first met her in college, I can't believe how tough it must have been for her. I know that may times, it is only the people who have been through heart-ache that can truly grasp and understand your situation. Even if their loss is different. Their hurt is still very similar.

Often times I know I make myself too busy. I think that people in general, need to have a happy medium so that we can sit, meditate, and contemplate the things in this life that matter most. I think part of the reason I make myself so busy is because I'm afraid of feeling emotion again. I can accept feelings like happiness, anger, anticipation, pity, shame, calmness, and love. But sadness and heartache are tough ones to deal with. I'm going to try harder to sit and meditate more. To be calm. To feel Rowan's presence. I know that she is part of our family, and always will be.

Changes

I have a lot of friends and people that I know that had babies around the same time we had Rowan. I like seeing their pictures and how sweet their little spirits are. At the same time, it can still be kind of difficult to see others that have babies that would have been the same age as Rowan. I don't think other people who haven't been through a tragedy like ours can completely understand...

Everything is different. We've been changed. Does it take a tragedy in a person's life to change them? Sometimes I think it does. I have never had any point in my life where I've seen the meaning of life so clearly. It's something that's hard to explain. But I'll try. When we were holding her  there was a distinct feeling that nothing else mattered in the world besides her spirit that had come and left so quietly. The world and everything else seemed almost fake. Menial tasks were pointless. Her coming into our lives and touching us so deeply is something that we never want to take for granted. We don't ever want her life to have been in vain. I have never felt the veil between Heaven and Earth become so thin. I felt God and Christ in my life more then, than at any other point in time. Having her die was a big reality check on the things that truly matter in this life. And it's something that I need to make sure and remember every day.

Friends and family were willing to call and see if I was doing okay. At that point what was I supposed to say? Everything is fine? It wasn't. But what else is a person to say? I understand that people truly care and just wanted to do or say something. I appreciate that more than words can express. I appreciate that they were willing to invite me to do things. More than anything else, I didn't want to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Eating me up. During the really difficult days following Rowan's death, I gained a true appreciation of the relationships we have with others. Whether it be family or friends, we need to tell them we love them, that we appreciate them, we need to spend time with them.

In the past I always waited for people to come and befriend me. Since Rowan's passing, I have tried a lot harder to take the initiative and befriend others first. If everyone waits around, no one will ever make new friends. What's the point of making friends? So we can help others, and they can help us through rough patches. We need each other. Since moving to Maine, I feel so blessed that we have met and made friends so quickly. Others have reached out to us as well. I know that Heavenly Father has made that possible. Friends help me not get homesick. I love my family and miss them, but I feel that friends can be just as close as family, and I am grateful for them.

Here is a song that I heard today that I really like. I think when people let God heal them, they can see blue skies again.

Memorial day

Yesterday we were able to visit another beach close by called Ferry Beach. Finn is getting more daring and venturing out to the water. He used to be afraid of the waves, but kind of likes them now. We love it here! There is a lot to do (especially when it comes to the outdoors) and it really is so beautiful!

I'm not gonna lie though... I already miss the Utah mountains like crazy. There are the White Mountains, which are somewhat close by (about an hour and a half drive). What I mainly miss though, is just their presence. Looking out my window and not seeing a towering mountain range that is about a 5 minute drive from my home is something that will be hard to get used to.

On Memorial Day, we also visited a cemetery close to our place called Evergreen Cemetery (apparently it's kind of famous). It has grave markers from the 1800's and is a really neat cemetery to walk around. I decided I wanted to start a tradition that my cousin's had while growing up. They lived in Washington, but most of their close relatives were buried in Utah. Each Memorial Day they would go and put flowers on a random person's grave. Since we won't be in Utah to visit Rowan's grave for awhile, we found a grave marker of a little girl that was stillborn as well, and put some flowers on her grave.

Evergreen Cemetery

Finn putting flowers on the baby girl's grave

                              

                                    We also saw this grave marker while we were there... They must have really liked Star Wars. 

We had so many friends and family visit Rowan's grave for us over the Memorial Day weekend. We felt so much love even though we are 3,000 miles away! Here is a picture of her grave and all of the decorations people put on it. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Dennen had his first day of orientation today! He has one more tomorrow and then starts into the thick of things on Thursday. I'm kind of nervous for how intense it's going to be. Although he's not in med school, people have said that it is very similar in the sense that you don't see each other much. Boo. Dennen is my best friend! I'm sad that I won't see much of him these next 2 years. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to meet new people and make life long friends. It's just getting out of my comfort zone that is gonna be tough.

Rowan's gravestone

We were really worried that the place we got to make Rowan's gravestone wouldn't have it done by when we would be leaving. They were able to get it in yesterday. I am so happy they did!

I never thought that funerals and gravestones were that big of a deal when it came to closer. The only funerals that I had been to growing up were for older people that were usually sick and it was their time to leave their broken bodies. In a way, certain deaths seem to bring much needed relief. I can't even really remember crying at those type of funerals.

Rowan's was different. Much, much, different. We needed the graveside service. It helped so much with our healing process. Her gravestone has helped as well. I'm glad it turned out so beautiful. I gave the people who made it one of her hand print's and they were able to etch it into the stone. Another neat thing about her marker, is that the length of it (not including the cement) is 16 inches. That's exactly how long she was. There's something about associating memories with certain objects that helps us hold on to those memories we have of her tighter. I'm glad we have them.

Happy

I found this on my doorstep on Monday. It was from my long-time friend, Gina, and it brightened my day so much! I had never seen tulips that look like this before. Dennen and I were able to put these flowers and some that Gundi gave us on Rowan's grave. The little book is a 'Book of Mormon' that Gina's mom made a fabric cover for. I think it is way cute! Other people did some very thoughtful things for me on that day as well. I am happy that I have people in my life that are so selfless and go out of their way to help others in need. I just hope that I can pay this type of kindness forward.

Gratitude

This coming Monday would have been Rowan's due date. I wish it were going to be the four of us moving to Maine... There are still so many times that I want her to be part of our family here on this Earth. How could I ever not want that? I wanted a girl to be part of our family so badly. A bond that a mother can have with her daughter is very unique and special. I was looking forward to that. I'll never forget you Rowan. Ever.

Some people might think that bringing up the topic of Rowan's death is difficult for me. It's not, and I need to do it. Writing on our blog and in my journal has helped me heal in ways I never thought possible. Others might think that they may do or say something to remind me of her. Is remembering her bad? No. I think about her all the time, them saying something doesn't change that fact.

Healing from tragedy doesn't follow a linear line. It does get progressively better, and you never go back to that soul destroying moment in time, but it does take time. I thought the other day... "I wonder on average how long it takes someone to heal from the loss of an older child, a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a friend, or anyone else close?" After I thought that I realized how absurd it was. Everyone's grief is different, even if the situation is similar. It could take months. It could take years. One thing I do know though, is that turning your grief over to God and Christ is the only way to not let grief ultimately destroy your soul. I truly think that no one can ever be fully healed until God heals them. It is a miracle that I am grateful for every day.

Through all of this, Rowan has taught me how to be grateful. The first time that I felt gratitude after she died was the night I was in labor with her. I thought that it was very strange that I could feel any sort of gratitude at that point in time...

I have always loved nature. Every aspect of it. From the flowers and rain in the Spring time, to the nights and smell of leaves in the Fall. This world truly is amazing. The night I was in labor with Rowan it began to snow. I asked Dennen to open the blinds so I could look out. As the snow gently fell, it's beauty reminded me of all of God's creations and of the creation of our baby girl Rowan. She was such a blessing in our lives and will always continue to be.

There is a company online that offers to retouch 2 pictures of stillborn babies for free (let me know if you ever know of anyone that would like to get some done). Seeing Rowan for the first time was very difficult. Especially seeing her bluish skin coloring and knowing that she wasn't really there with us. Of course we felt love, but nothing can prepare a person to see a stillborn baby, especially when it is your own. This is one of the pictures that I got back of Rowan. She is such a beautiful baby girl. I think they did a very good job and am appreciative of the service they offer.