Some people might think that bringing up the topic of Rowan's death is difficult for me. It's not, and I need to do it. Writing on our blog and in my journal has helped me heal in ways I never thought possible. Others might think that they may do or say something to remind me of her. Is remembering her bad? No. I think about her all the time, them saying something doesn't change that fact.
Healing from tragedy doesn't follow a linear line. It does get progressively better, and you never go back to that soul destroying moment in time, but it does take time. I thought the other day... "I wonder on average how long it takes someone to heal from the loss of an older child, a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a friend, or anyone else close?" After I thought that I realized how absurd it was. Everyone's grief is different, even if the situation is similar. It could take months. It could take years. One thing I do know though, is that turning your grief over to God and Christ is the only way to not let grief ultimately destroy your soul. I truly think that no one can ever be fully healed until God heals them. It is a miracle that I am grateful for every day.
Through all of this, Rowan has taught me how to be grateful. The first time that I felt gratitude after she died was the night I was in labor with her. I thought that it was very strange that I could feel any sort of gratitude at that point in time...
I have always loved nature. Every aspect of it. From the flowers and rain in the Spring time, to the nights and smell of leaves in the Fall. This world truly is amazing. The night I was in labor with Rowan it began to snow. I asked Dennen to open the blinds so I could look out. As the snow gently fell, it's beauty reminded me of all of God's creations and of the creation of our baby girl Rowan. She was such a blessing in our lives and will always continue to be.
There is a company online that offers to retouch 2 pictures of stillborn babies for free (let me know if you ever know of anyone that would like to get some done). Seeing Rowan for the first time was very difficult. Especially seeing her bluish skin coloring and knowing that she wasn't really there with us. Of course we felt love, but nothing can prepare a person to see a stillborn baby, especially when it is your own. This is one of the pictures that I got back of Rowan. She is such a beautiful baby girl. I think they did a very good job and am appreciative of the service they offer.