Saturday, April 21, 2012


This coming Monday would have been Rowan's due date. I wish it were going to be the four of us moving to Maine... There are still so many times that I want her to be part of our family here on this Earth. How could I ever not want that? I wanted a girl to be part of our family so badly. A bond that a mother can have with her daughter is very unique and special. I was looking forward to that. I'll never forget you Rowan. Ever.

Some people might think that bringing up the topic of Rowan's death is difficult for me. It's not, and I need to do it. Writing on our blog and in my journal has helped me heal in ways I never thought possible. Others might think that they may do or say something to remind me of her. Is remembering her bad? No. I think about her all the time, them saying something doesn't change that fact.

Healing from tragedy doesn't follow a linear line. It does get progressively better, and you never go back to that soul destroying moment in time, but it does take time. I thought the other day... "I wonder on average how long it takes someone to heal from the loss of an older child, a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a friend, or anyone else close?" After I thought that I realized how absurd it was. Everyone's grief is different, even if the situation is similar. It could take months. It could take years. One thing I do know though, is that turning your grief over to God and Christ is the only way to not let grief ultimately destroy your soul. I truly think that no one can ever be fully healed until God heals them. It is a miracle that I am grateful for every day.

Through all of this, Rowan has taught me how to be grateful. The first time that I felt gratitude after she died was the night I was in labor with her. I thought that it was very strange that I could feel any sort of gratitude at that point in time...

I have always loved nature. Every aspect of it. From the flowers and rain in the Spring time, to the nights and smell of leaves in the Fall. This world truly is amazing. The night I was in labor with Rowan it began to snow. I asked Dennen to open the blinds so I could look out. As the snow gently fell, it's beauty reminded me of all of God's creations and of the creation of our baby girl Rowan. She was such a blessing in our lives and will always continue to be.

There is a company online that offers to retouch 2 pictures of stillborn babies for free (let me know if you ever know of anyone that would like to get some done). Seeing Rowan for the first time was very difficult. Especially seeing her bluish skin coloring and knowing that she wasn't really there with us. Of course we felt love, but nothing can prepare a person to see a stillborn baby, especially when it is your own. This is one of the pictures that I got back of Rowan. She is such a beautiful baby girl. I think they did a very good job and am appreciative of the service they offer.


The Kynastons said...

I'm glad that you've been so open and honest about your healing process. So many times I feel like I don't know what to say to people in their difficult situations, but reading from you that you WANT to talk about Rowan and that it's harder when people avoid the subject has helped me change my perspective. That is a beautiful story about the snow falling during your labor and a beautiful picture of your daughter.

Maggie said...

Rowan is so so beautiful.

Kari said...

Great picture of her!

megs and josh said...

I am glad your faith has helped you through Rowan's passing.

TRS said...

I am so glad that you had some portraits of Rowan taken.
It's interesting to know about the retouch services.

Also, more people should know about the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep - foundation (NILMDTS).

It's an organization founded by a wonderful professional photographer... and is made up of many professional photographers who volunteer their time and talent to memorialize these precious babies who are stillborn or die shortly after birth. They do it at no cost and provide the family with a CD of black and white artistic images.

The organization is in need of more volunteer photographers so that they can serve this need. I hope to be talented enough to volunteer for them one day.

It's a precious, precious service that families like you should have access to.

I don't mean for this to be an advertisement. I just want more families to be aware of it in the event it's needed.

Bless you.

Linds said...

You have been such a great example of open communication. I'm constantly thinking of you and Rowan. She has touched my life and made me want to be a better person. I'm grateful for you.

That picture is beautiful.

Candice said...

Rowan looks so beautiful - they did a wonderful job. I love your post because I can relate to it. When I was in 9th grade my older sister died. It's a terrible moment to take in, especially knowing there were so many things left unsaid. She was the person I looked up to and I loved that she let her little sister tag along to the cool college things she was doing. You're right in the fact that is through Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that you can find peace. It took me years, but I am so grateful that we know Christ has suffered all things, and He knows the pain and the sadness that I have gone through. I know that He also understands your grief and pain, but He loves us all and His love is infinite. Your posts are always uplifting Hilary, thanks for sharing Rowan with us and sharing your testimony.

Rachael said...

Hilary, what a strong person you are. The posts that you have shared about your feelings through this experience have touched my heart. I love that picture of Rowan, she is beautiful and looks so much like you. Thanks for sharing.

Kerry_Kid Giddy said...

We spoke today at church and I realized later that I didn't ask you her name. Rowan is a beautiful name. I'm sorry I didn't think at that moment to ask. I have not had this trial in my life and cannot fathom the pain you have endured. What a beautiful picture. A beautiful baby. I look forward to getting to know your family better while you are here in Maine! -kg

Anonymous said...

What an angel... I am so sorry about your loss of your sweet baby. I have also experienced losses and they affected me very deeply but I found people were always uncomfortable when I wanted to talk about my babies. It seemed the best way for healing! She is so beautiful and perfect in every way. Dear sweet little angel!
Always, Kim Rybak (one of your customers who loves your knits and infant shoes). We had our rainbow baby in May and she brought us much needed healing. However we will never forget our losses and happy to know they are looking down at us from heaven! I hope you continue your healing too!