Changes

I have a lot of friends and people that I know that had babies around the same time we had Rowan. I like seeing their pictures and how sweet their little spirits are. At the same time, it can still be kind of difficult to see others that have babies that would have been the same age as Rowan. I don't think other people who haven't been through a tragedy like ours can completely understand...

Everything is different. We've been changed. Does it take a tragedy in a person's life to change them? Sometimes I think it does. I have never had any point in my life where I've seen the meaning of life so clearly. It's something that's hard to explain. But I'll try. When we were holding her  there was a distinct feeling that nothing else mattered in the world besides her spirit that had come and left so quietly. The world and everything else seemed almost fake. Menial tasks were pointless. Her coming into our lives and touching us so deeply is something that we never want to take for granted. We don't ever want her life to have been in vain. I have never felt the veil between Heaven and Earth become so thin. I felt God and Christ in my life more then, than at any other point in time. Having her die was a big reality check on the things that truly matter in this life. And it's something that I need to make sure and remember every day.

Friends and family were willing to call and see if I was doing okay. At that point what was I supposed to say? Everything is fine? It wasn't. But what else is a person to say? I understand that people truly care and just wanted to do or say something. I appreciate that more than words can express. I appreciate that they were willing to invite me to do things. More than anything else, I didn't want to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Eating me up. During the really difficult days following Rowan's death, I gained a true appreciation of the relationships we have with others. Whether it be family or friends, we need to tell them we love them, that we appreciate them, we need to spend time with them.

In the past I always waited for people to come and befriend me. Since Rowan's passing, I have tried a lot harder to take the initiative and befriend others first. If everyone waits around, no one will ever make new friends. What's the point of making friends? So we can help others, and they can help us through rough patches. We need each other. Since moving to Maine, I feel so blessed that we have met and made friends so quickly. Others have reached out to us as well. I know that Heavenly Father has made that possible. Friends help me not get homesick. I love my family and miss them, but I feel that friends can be just as close as family, and I am grateful for them.

Here is a song that I heard today that I really like. I think when people let God heal them, they can see blue skies again.

Happy

I found this on my doorstep on Monday. It was from my long-time friend, Gina, and it brightened my day so much! I had never seen tulips that look like this before. Dennen and I were able to put these flowers and some that Gundi gave us on Rowan's grave. The little book is a 'Book of Mormon' that Gina's mom made a fabric cover for. I think it is way cute! Other people did some very thoughtful things for me on that day as well. I am happy that I have people in my life that are so selfless and go out of their way to help others in need. I just hope that I can pay this type of kindness forward.

What to say

To say that I've gained a little bit of insight when it comes to tragedy would be an understatement. Rowan has taught me so much and has helped me grow in ways I never thought possible. Now, every day I try to think, "what kind of a mother do Finn and Rowan want me to be?"

One trait that I have learned from having Rowan touch our lives is compassion. Compassion for humanity. Compassion for others that have hard things to go through in life and you might never even know it. Everyone has something to go through in this life that will be hard. I put this quote on the side of our blog because I want to make sure and remember it every day.

When life can get so, so rough, we sometimes just need others to be kind to us. I hope that I always remember what Rowan has taught me about kindness. I can't even express how much it has meant to us that people have written us notes, came and visited us, and shown that they care. We have truly seen the goodness that people have within them. Rowan has not only changed our lives for the better, but others as well.

Often times people worry about what to say to those who have had tragedy invade their lives. They fear saying something wrong. From one who has been there and known others who have too, all you need to say is, "I'm so sorry for your loss." The worst thing to say? Nothing. When others have ignored the fact that Rowan died it is very hurtful. Sometimes it may be hard to tell them face to face. Send a letter or card if it's hard for you to express your feelings to someone who is hurting. Your kind words will bring a little bit of light to someone who is going through so much darkness. You don't have to say much. Many times I just wanted someone to listen and let me cry.

Something else I've learned is that people who have had someone die, will want to talk about that person at some point in time. It may seem awkward to you when they start talking about their loved one, but I assure you that it is not awkward in any way for them. Remembering those who have died is important. I know when I talk about Rowan and the change she brought into my life I am so grateful and happy to be her mother.