Our Easter

Dennen and I decided that Easter is probably one of the hardest holidays to explain to kids. First, you try to explain Christ's resurrection and that's so abstract to them that I'm sure they don't quite get it. Next, you dye Easter eggs and hide them along with candy. To add to the confusion, we didn't have an Easter basket so Finn used his pumpkin from Halloween (now we're mixing holidays). I tried to explain some sort of link between Christ's resurrection and the whole egg and candy thing. But... I'm pretty sure there isn't one. I just told him that Christ wants us to be happy and have a fun time on Earth, so that's why we hide eggs and candy (I know, kind of a stretch).

Rowan's Birthday

One year ago today was the hardest day of my life. We had hopes of bringing a baby girl into the world, but our hearts were broken when we found out that she had died. Nothing can compare to that sinking, falling, moment in time when the world just doesn't seem like it will ever be right again.

Now that a year has passed, we are able to look back at all of the love that people have showed us, and continue to show us. Maybe that's one of the reasons difficult things happen to people... To bring out one of the best qualities in human beings, unconditional love for others who are struggling.

Today wasn't a day of sadness. It was a day of love and remembrance. It was also a day to remember others who are going through dark times of their own. I have a friend who just recently lost her twin baby girls after they were born on the 26th. So close to Rowan's birthday... It's those people who I think of now. Not myself. I was in her shoes a year ago and I haven't forgotten what it felt like. I doubt I ever will. Which is a good thing, because it gives one perspective and empathy for others.

I told Finn that it was Rowan's birthday today. And he said, "birthday cake?" I told him probably not today, but we would go get a balloon and a flower to put in the cemetery on a grave. He was really excited to let the balloon go up in the sky to "send it to Heaven for Rowan". We also looked through her memory box and at the book we had made for her.

I am grateful to God for carrying us through this year. And I am grateful that she will always be part of our family.

Thoughts on Grieving

My mom sent me some pictures the other day of Rowan's grave. Even though we are so far away, we have had numerous friends and family send us pictures of her grave decorated with flowers. Thank you so much!

I was thinking back to the day that we brought Finn home from the hospital after he was born. When Dennen and I were leaving the hospital there was a nurse's aid that walked us out to our car. She had to make sure that we put the car-seat in correctly (which of course we hadn't because he was 3 weeks early). On our way out to our car I asked her if she had any children. She told us that she had recently had a stillborn baby and that today was her first day back to work. Partly because of all of my hormones returning to baseline, but mainly because of sympathy I sobbed the whole way home. How unfair was it that we were going home with a baby when she didn't get to. And what a difficult job she had. Having to work on the Labor and Delivery Floor, and seeing new baby after new baby, when she didn't have her own.

The other day, a woman from my old church congregation contacted me for some words of advice. She told me that her twins were going to probably be stillborn, or if they did make it past delivery, not live for more than a few days or weeks. She said, "we know we will lose them and I was wondering how you found peace in this whole horrible process."

Many people probably wonder why I write down any of the experiences and feelings I had after Rowan's death. Part of the reason is because it helps me, and I want to have a journal of it. A bigger part, is because I know that others will have similar heartache to pass through. Having someone that can empathize with them can be helpful.

My heart aches for you... It is never easy in any circumstance. I was able to read a lot of very good books and other things that slowly brought peace back into my life. One of the hardest parts of healing for me, was coming to terms that life could be livable again with happiness.

I didn't have to endure any stress during my pregnancy with Rowan because we didn't know that anything was wrong until she stopped moving. I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now. I am so sorry.

I didn't sleep well after I deliverd Rowan for sometime. I was able to get a prescription for a sleeping pill that I took for about a month on and off. It helped. And I'm glad I took it because Dennen had no problem falling asleep, and I would just be laying there crying (although sometimes I woke him up). Writing was what helped me heal and feel the most peace. I would sit down in the middle of the night or early morning and start writing in my journal or on our blog, and just sob. I would cry, and cry, until I was so exhausted that I would finally fall asleep.  

Although it may be easier to be private during this seemingly unbearable heartache, I know that others helped me through, and that they will be able to help you through as well. Sometimes it was a complete stranger, or someone that I barely even knew, who knew what I needed to hear and how to help me best. I guess that's part of the reason I write on our blog. I want others who may have to pass through similar heartache to be able to read my posts and to contact me if they need a listening ear. Which is why I'm glad you wrote me. 

Family is amazing and nice to have, but many times they don't even understand. Even though they love you, they don't really know what you're going through. They can sympathize, but can't empathize. I would get frustrated sometimes that they just didn't "get it". Dennen didn't have to pass through the emotional pain as well as physical pain that I went through. That's where Christ came in. I never thought I would be able to feel the atonement play such a big part in my life. I've never done any grievous sins. But I guess I didn't fully understand the atonement before Rowan died. It truly is for everything. Although it took time, all the pain and heartache was able to be lifted from my shoulders. It was a miracle. That is the only way to explain it.

I did find it difficult to take care of Finn after Rowan died. I would get upset with him easier than before. I wasn't able to take care of myself and Finn. That is where my family and friends came in. They did so much. I can never repay them for how much they helped us out. My parents and Dennen's parents would watch and play with Finn. Finn's aunts and uncles stepped in to watch him as well. I would have friends call me up to get out and do things with them and their kids'. That was another thing that helped me (when I was ready). Getting out and doing things. At first it seemed pointless and I also felt guilty for doing anything. It was almost as if I felt like I was dishonoring Rowan's memory by trying to hold myself together and enjoy life. It does help though. Being around people helped me heal. Although they don't always know what to say, and may sometimes say something that is inappropriate or seemingly rude, they mean well, and they love you. Let them help.

I will send you a book, and a list of some others as well this week. I know that time seems to stop when you're in the midst of all the heartache... Please don't hesitate to write me again. It can be very lonely sometimes, even with Heavenly Father and Christ.

When we walked out to our car with the nurse's aid that day, I know we were meant to meet her so that we could appreciate our new baby, Finn. But also, that we would be able to know that people loose babies and children everyday. There is always someone out there going through heartache. It is something we all need to remember. 

Hair cut

I've always wanted to have a little boy with shaggy hair. Kind of like Dennen's hair before he cut it. Finn's hair is stick straight though, so it doesn't look the best when it starts to get too long. Boo. He just resembles a scarecrow.

Immediately after I took this picture of Finn kissing his puppy, I got the clippers and buzzed it off. The first pass through his hair I thought, "oh no, what have I done?!" His hair was still cute (albeit a little scarecrow-esque). But once you make the first pass, there's no going back. I think it looks pretty good. And I just have to remind myself that it will grow back. I still have some spots to touch up, but all in all, I think it's an improvement.

I was looking through some pictures of Finn today and found this one. This was his blessing day. I know all parents say it (and it's so cliche) but I can't believe how much he's grown and changed from the little 4lb nugget he used to be. Although, I may sometimes not be the best mom to him, and I often get grumpy... He really is so much fun to be around, and I am grateful for him every day!

Looking at these pictures reminds me of Rowan... The puppy that Finn has in the picture was given to me when I had Rowan. There was a nurse the night I came into the hospital that had also had a stillborn baby girl, and she was the one who gave it to me. She said that she always gave a stuffed puppy to her babies when they were born. It meant a lot to me. And still does. I told her that Finn would take care of his sister's puppy. Whenever I give Finn his puppy to go to sleep, I tell him that it was his sister Rowan's puppy and that he needs to give it kisses for her. It is by far his favorite stuffed animal.

The picture of Finn's blessing day also reminds me of Rowan. The white blanket that you see Finn wrapped in, was the blanket we buried her in. Some family friends gave it to us when we had Finn, and we thought that it would be an appropriate way to connect our two children.

I'd like to share something that my friend, Kim, wrote to me recently. " I know that when hard things happen to us everyone gives a lot of support in the beginning and then it fizzles a little, but we are still hurting. I just wanted you to know that you are still on my mind and I think about you often. Also, I had a dream a while ago that I wasn't going to tell you because I thought you might think it was weird, but I changed my mind. So, sorry if you think I'm crazy. I had a dream that I was going over to your house to hangout and when I walked in I saw Finn sitting on a chair, talking, and laughing with a girl who was older than him (she was sitting on the chair with him). Immediately, I knew she was a spirit and it was his little sister (she was an adult spirit in my dream). I remember thinking how close the other side is to us. I'm sure your little Rowan is very close to you and I'm sure she has a sweet little relationship with Finn that you don't even know about. Anyways, I wanted to let you know about this dream." 

Kim lost her mom to breast cancer when she was younger... Thinking back to when I first met her in college, I can't believe how tough it must have been for her. I know that may times, it is only the people who have been through heart-ache that can truly grasp and understand your situation. Even if their loss is different. Their hurt is still very similar.

Often times I know I make myself too busy. I think that people in general, need to have a happy medium so that we can sit, meditate, and contemplate the things in this life that matter most. I think part of the reason I make myself so busy is because I'm afraid of feeling emotion again. I can accept feelings like happiness, anger, anticipation, pity, shame, calmness, and love. But sadness and heartache are tough ones to deal with. I'm going to try harder to sit and meditate more. To be calm. To feel Rowan's presence. I know that she is part of our family, and always will be.

Gratitude

This coming Monday would have been Rowan's due date. I wish it were going to be the four of us moving to Maine... There are still so many times that I want her to be part of our family here on this Earth. How could I ever not want that? I wanted a girl to be part of our family so badly. A bond that a mother can have with her daughter is very unique and special. I was looking forward to that. I'll never forget you Rowan. Ever.

Some people might think that bringing up the topic of Rowan's death is difficult for me. It's not, and I need to do it. Writing on our blog and in my journal has helped me heal in ways I never thought possible. Others might think that they may do or say something to remind me of her. Is remembering her bad? No. I think about her all the time, them saying something doesn't change that fact.

Healing from tragedy doesn't follow a linear line. It does get progressively better, and you never go back to that soul destroying moment in time, but it does take time. I thought the other day... "I wonder on average how long it takes someone to heal from the loss of an older child, a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a friend, or anyone else close?" After I thought that I realized how absurd it was. Everyone's grief is different, even if the situation is similar. It could take months. It could take years. One thing I do know though, is that turning your grief over to God and Christ is the only way to not let grief ultimately destroy your soul. I truly think that no one can ever be fully healed until God heals them. It is a miracle that I am grateful for every day.

Through all of this, Rowan has taught me how to be grateful. The first time that I felt gratitude after she died was the night I was in labor with her. I thought that it was very strange that I could feel any sort of gratitude at that point in time...

I have always loved nature. Every aspect of it. From the flowers and rain in the Spring time, to the nights and smell of leaves in the Fall. This world truly is amazing. The night I was in labor with Rowan it began to snow. I asked Dennen to open the blinds so I could look out. As the snow gently fell, it's beauty reminded me of all of God's creations and of the creation of our baby girl Rowan. She was such a blessing in our lives and will always continue to be.

There is a company online that offers to retouch 2 pictures of stillborn babies for free (let me know if you ever know of anyone that would like to get some done). Seeing Rowan for the first time was very difficult. Especially seeing her bluish skin coloring and knowing that she wasn't really there with us. Of course we felt love, but nothing can prepare a person to see a stillborn baby, especially when it is your own. This is one of the pictures that I got back of Rowan. She is such a beautiful baby girl. I think they did a very good job and am appreciative of the service they offer.

Easter

This morning we did another little Easter egg hunt for Finn. This time around he kind of got in to it and gathered about six eggs that Dennen had hid in the yard. I know I've probably said this before, but holidays get much more fun when you have a kid. Their excitement and joy is so pure and neat to see. Finn is at that age that we are starting to see it. I love it! We also tried to get some family pictures after church. As you can see, they were kind of unsuccessful...

I read this quote by Thomas S. Monson today and liked it, "I believe that none of us can conceive the full significance of what Christ did for us in Gethsemane, but I am grateful every day of my life for His atoning sacrifice in our behalf. At the last moment, He could have turned back. But He did not. He passed beneath all things that He might save all things. In doing so, He gave us life beyond this mortal existence. He reclaimed us from the Fall of Adam. To the depths of my very soul, I am grateful to Him. He taught us how to live. He taught us how to die. He secured our salvation."

I thought I understood the atonement before Rowan's death. I didn't. I always thought it was only for repentance. It isn't. His body and soul suffered so He could fully understand what all of our pains and sufferings would be like in this life. Sometimes it seems like it can be easier to heal the body than the spirit. Going through grief necessitates healing of the spirit. Christ is the One that allows healing of the spirit to take place and peace to be felt. I am so grateful for His unselfish sacrifice and love.

Searching

On and off I've been reading about grief and how to accept it and not think I'm "crazy." For me, right now is a time of searching for answers and yearning for what might have been. Often times though, there are no answers. Since there are no clear cut answers I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and fear. Fear of this happening again. Fear for Finn. Fear for Dennen. Fear of everything and anything. Basically fear of something else bad lurking around the corner. It is so hard for me to calm my mind sometimes. At first nights were the hardest for me. A feeling that everyone else is asleep and that I'm the only one awake. Just thinking. I had some bad dreams early on and I think that's what scared me the most about nights. Having bad, scary, dreams. I want to always have positive feelings about Rowan. Having unpleasant dreams about her is so hard.

The day something went wrong 2/27/2012. Rowan had always been a mover in my belly. I felt her final movements early Monday morning. I went about the day trying to do the things that they tell you to do to get your baby moving. I wasn't overly stressed or scared. I just figured maybe she was in a different position or something. I laid down for awhile so that I could concentrate on trying to feel Rowan move. Nothing. At that time I felt like I should go and sit on the couch and close my eyes. I asked and pleaded with God at that time that I would know if I should go to the doctor. In a very calming way I felt God prompt me gently that "Yes, it's time."

Finn was sleeping so I just told Dennen that I would run over to the doctor's office and call him if anything was up. I told him it probably wasn't a big deal so not to worry. I felt calm and not worried or scared.

An ultrasound tech came in and did an ultrasound to see if Rowan had a heart beat. I knew something was wrong when she asked, "When did you last feel her move?" She then went to get another ultrasound tech. Right then and there I pleaded in my heart, "Heavenly Father, please let everything be okay with Rowan, please, please." When  the other ultrasound tech came in she told me how sorry she was. Rowan had no heart beat. Irrational unbelieving thoughts immediately rushed through my head. "Can't you do a c-section and get her out and save her?" I asked. With tears in her eyes, the ultra sound tech just kept telling me how sorry she was. My heart sank. This can't be happening, I thought. Not to us. Not now. Not with all we've been through with Finn. At that point I was sobbing and just asked the ultra sound tech if she would give me a hug. In that moment, that hug and act of kindness meant so much to me. I am still so grateful for it.

I called Dennen to come to the doctor's office. When he arrived we both just hugged each other and wept, and wept. The world seemed to stop for us... Thoughts rushed through our minds. How could this happen? What happened? Why didn't God prompt me to go to the doctor sooner? A million questions and thoughts filled our minds. I said a prayer in my heart that I would stop asking those questions. At this point in time I ask them a lot less and am grateful for that.

When the doctor came in he told us that I had a lot of amniotic fluid which can be a sign of congenital defects. Rowan wasn't swallowing and excreting the amniotic fluid like she should have been, and it was probably because one or multiple organs weren't functioning correctly. It wasn't the fluid itself that caused her to die, just a sign that something more serious was wrong with her. We still don't know for sure exactly what happened. Just a general idea. She was so perfect on the outside when I delivered her that it was hard to believe anything was wrong.

Not knowing the "whys" in life can be so difficult. God is the only one who knows, and accepting that is something that I am trying to do every day.

An angel in my life

Dear K,

The day I walked into the hospital was the worst day of my life. I was able to feel the Lord's comfort and love through you though, as you shared how you had lost your precious daughter at 32 weeks as well.  I know you were put into my life by a loving Heavenly Father and I will be forever grateful for you.

When Rowan was born I was so glad you were there. Besides Dennen, I needed you to help me know what to do. Thanks for helping me know to just gently dab her nose with a tissue to clean away the fluid. I was so worried because I didn't know how to care for her delicate body. Thanks for letting Dennen and I know it would be fine to bring Finn. We don't regret it. Finn loves the puppy as well, and it will be a way that we can tell him about his baby sister Rowan.

Words can't even describe what the letter you wrote means to me. I read it often. I'm the type of person that tends to get offended easily by what others say. You were right. People do say "stupid things." Thanks for reminding me that I just need to forgive them. Thanks for letting me know that men and women grieve differently. It has made me be able to not get upset with how Dennen is getting through this process. I realize that even though we grieve differently, it doesn't mean that he loves Rowan any less.

I don't know if you ever felt this way with your baby girl... But sometimes I get worried that I'll forget how Rowan changed my life. At first, part of me wanted to forget and fast forward so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. But now, what I've learned from her is something I want to hold dear and let make me a better person. The journal you gave me has helped immensely with Rowan's memory. Thank you so much. You truly were an angel put into my life at the exact right moment in time by the hand of the Lord.

Love,
Hilary Frazier

Love

The other day someone left a comment on our blog.  She wrote, "while I was grieving, I found great assurances in the words of the Savior. On one of my loneliest, blackest days, I read in the New Testament, 'I will not leave you comfortless... Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth, give I  unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.' John 14: 18,27.

I am grateful for the peace I have felt from the Lord. I know He is carrying me. I have felt the prayers of friends and family. I want to try and write everything down while the emotion I have is still strong and I remember exactly how I feel.

Some nights ago I was weeping and pleading with God that I would feel His love and arms wrap around me.  I was so angry that Finn didn't fully understand about Rowan's death and that he couldn't love and comfort me like I wanted him to. I wasn't accepting the fact that he is almost 2 and that how he is acting right now is normal (albeit an inopportune time).

Immediately after my prayer I was able to calm down. Then Dennen walked in with Finn. Finn gave me a huge hug around my neck from behind.  I know that Finn loves me and I get so happy when he gives me big squeezes around the neck.  There have been times since Rowan's death that Finn has looked me in the eyes and I know he understands I'm hurting.  When he came to see us and Rowan at the hospital, he hopped up on a little stool in front of where I was sitting and holding little Rowan's body. He put his precious hands on my knees and just looked in my eyes as if to say, "I'm so sorry for you mom."

I guess that night when Finn hugged me around the neck from behind, it was the Lord's way of letting me know He and Finn love me.

My awesome cousin Katie took these pictures of us at the Brighton cabin the day after Rowan's funeral.

A letter from mom

Dear beautiful Rowan Sage,

I am honored to be your mother. Your family loves you so deeply that words can hardly describe such a love. When I was in labor with you, it was so hard knowing that when you would come, your spirit would have already returned to Heaven.  I kept trying to picture Christ in my mind during that time. Him, suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane. Him, suffering on the cross and asking God, "why hast thou forsaken me?"

When you were born, your dad and I wept and sobbed with such grief, that it felt as though every fiber of our beings were utterly destroyed. I have never felt such grief, and it cut me to the very depths of my soul. We were so worried that we wouldn't feel as deep of a love as we should towards you. We did feel that love though, and will cherish it in our hearts always.

One word that describes how I felt about your precious, beautiful, body, is reverence. A reverence and respect for God's creations. For giving you a body. I kept holding your tiny hands and stroking your soft cheeks. I couldn't get over how soft your little cheeks were. Softer than anything I have ever felt. Your dad was so cute and was gently rocking your tiny body. We wrapped you in the pure white blanket that your older brother Finn was blessed in. It made me imagine you being held and loved by your Heavenly Father and Mother.

I yearned for your spirit to return to your body so I could feed you and feel your tiny fingers grasp around mine.  I wanted the comfort of feeling your chest rise and fall with each breath of air. I missed you horribly Rowan, and still do.

The kindest lady came to clean and dress you in a cute little pink and white outfit. She was so respectful and careful with your delicate body. She had had a 12 month old baby of her own die, and seemed to know how precious little ones like you are.  I had knitted you a white and pink hat the day before you died. It fit you perfectly. The same lady that cleaned and dressed you asked if we wanted her to take pictures of you. I had always wondered why parents had pictures taken of their stillborn babies, and thought it a little strange. But now, we cherish the pictures and are able to look at them with such reverence and love.

We love you Rowan. Forever and always. We are grateful you came to our family, although the time was brief. I felt your life with every little kick in my womb, and cherish those moments dearly.

Love,
Your Mom

A grief observed

Years ago I read 'A grief observed,' by C.S. Lewis. The book is about the time after he lost his wife. He writes every thought and emotion of how he feels. His writings are so honest. Here are some quotes from the book that in a way, portray how I feel at times.


"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
-C.S. Lewis

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."
-C.S. Lewis 

"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."
-C.S. Lewis 

"It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter."
-C.S. Lewis 



Missing Rowan is so hard, the grief ebbs and flows. There are times when I feel normal and people probably think, "she's handling it well." There are other times when I just lay down and sob. I can honestly say though, that I am grateful for the times that I feel normal and happy. Little by little I know those good times will increase.

Rowan Sage's service

I've decided that I want to write some things down as we go through this horrible grieving of losing our precious little girl. I'll do little bits at a time when I feel able. We are grateful for eternal families, but at this moment in time it is not helpful to know, and doesn't ease our pains. She isn't here with us now, and that is what is so heart-wrenchingly painful. I am so angry at times, but I know that the Lord understands and forgives me for it.

Rowan Sage's graveside service was yesterday. It was so beautiful and we felt so much love. There are enormous holes in our hearts and there always will be. But being able to express some thoughts from the depths of our souls helped make the holes in our hearts not quite so big.

The beautiful program that Dennen's brother Derek made

I'd like to share a part from the service. Dennen's letter to his baby girl.

Dear Baby Rowan,

I wish I didn’t have to write this letter. When you first entered this world, I held your little body and kept imagining that any second you would take a big breath of air, your cheeks would turn rosy pink, you would start crying, and we would have to swaddle and rock you to calm you down. But of course that was a fantasy. Instead, we cried over you and fought back the thoughts of “What if?” I thought about what you would look like, and if you would have the spunky personality of your mom. I wondered if you would like sports or be artistic or have other interests. I wondered if you would be a graceful skier like your mom or a reckless, goofy skier like your dad. I thought about you and Finn playing together and imagined Finn being a protective older brother. I wondered what thoughts would go through my head when you went on your first date and grew from a little girl into a young woman. Everything I had imagined about our future as a family had you in a starring role. When that future abruptly changed, it hurt worse than anything I have ever felt before. And it hurt because we love you deeply. It was shocking how much love we felt for you when your delicate little body arrived. We weren’t sure how we would feel, but the affection was instant.

For the few hours we were able to spend with your precious body, the veil was so thin.  Although there was heartache, sobbing, tears, and pain, we were comforted in the knowledge that your precious spirit was too pure for this world. I found myself thinking about eternal families and the sealing ordinance. I found myself praying with more intent. I found myself thinking about the Savior and his suffering. I found myself pondering the fragility and shortness of our time on Earth. I felt comfort and gratitude knowing that I will someday know you and have an opportunity to be your dad and knowing that I’ll be greeted by your beautiful face on the other side. In knowing that I can meet you again, you’ve blessed me with a more eternal perspective. I can say that this experience, however painful, has motivated me to be a better person. It has stripped away all the superficialities of life and made plain what is important. I feel a need to be kinder, to empathize with those who are suffering, to spend less time thinking about myself and more time serving others, to keep loved ones close and express how much I care for them every opportunity I get, and to be more like Christ. I feel more compelled to seek out all that is virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy. And for that, I thank you, baby Rowan.

Rowan, it is hard to explain the outpouring of love that has occurred because of your passing. There are so many people that love you, so many people that gave of their time and went out of their way to comfort our family. They have all been a reminder that there is so much good in this world and that kind words and deeds have more power than we think.

You are loved, my sweet baby girl. Your memory will remain with us as we pass through this existence. Knowing that you are waiting for our arrival on the other side will be a blessing and a motivation to your family throughout their lives. We love you Rowan.

Love,

Your Dad

Almost out of here

For those of you who didn't hear... We had a little scare with Finn on Wednesday and he had to spend the night in the ICU.  He had a pretty bad night on Tuesday and I called Dennen to come up at 3 a.m. that night. Dennen is so selfless. On numerous occasions he has shown up at the drop of a hat when I am by myself and am stressed or scared (even if it's the middle of the night and I know he's dead tired). I am so grateful he showed up that night. The next morning was a whirlwind of craziness.   

All of Finn's vitals started going through the roof at around 8 a.m on Wednesday. His temperature was rising and his heart rate was above 200 bpm. Finn had a picc-line placed before his surgery to give him nutrition. They were giving him TPN and lipids through it. The infectious disease team of doctors came and told us that the picc-line was the biggest culprit for his infection. No sooner than those words came out of their mouth's, than a slew of nurses and IV team people came in and took out his picc-line and got an IV in each of his hands. They took some cultures from his blood and found out he had a fungal infection in his blood. Next, he was rushed to the ICU to monitor him while he got an IV drip of anti-fungal medicine. What they were really worried about was him going septic.

Long story short we had to stay in the ICU for about 24 hours (thank goodness it wasn't longer). The anti-fungal medication was working and Finn acted so much better. I am soooo grateful for modern medicine and life-saving drugs. There is absolutely no way Finn would have made it without those drugs. Thank you genius scientists for coming up with them!!

Hanging out in the ICU.

The surgery team came and talked with us this morning. They said basically now the only thing holding us back from leaving is that Finn still needs to be getting the anti-fungal medication through his IV for ten more days. The infectious disease team came and talked with us too. They're hoping that they can send us home with an oral medication that Finn can take. If the oral medication isn't the best match for the type of yeast he has in his blood, they're going to have to send us home with another picc-line. What the?! The doctors kind of calmed my fears though and said that probably one of the main reasons the yeast grew in his blood via the picc-line was because of the TPN he was getting. Apparently TPN has a lot of dextrose (sugar) in it and yeast live off of it. We'll know by tomorrow if it's the oral or the picc-line route. Either way we should be home by tomorrow night or Tuesday morning.

Out of the ICU! See the sugar candle in that chocolate goodie? Yeah, it was Dennen's birthday that day.

Getting reacquainted with food.

Finn got the suction tube taken out of his one nose hole. We're going to go home with the other one to give him night feeds. I'm sure some parents would be reluctant or nervous to go home with a feeding tube in their child's nose, but I am welcoming it with open arms. What a blessing at this point in time!

Speaking of blessings... I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father that helped us get through this. Throughout all of the procedures that Finn had done while we were here I was able to stay surprisingly calm. Today Dennen and I were able to go to an LDS church meeting here at the hospital. A member of the seventy said a few words about  how children's hospitals have numbers of ministering angels and are probably one of the closest places that we can get to heaven and feel God's presence. I started crying when he said those words because I felt those angels and God's love for all of the children here. I always used to think, "How can God allow little children to go through so much pain and suffering?" But I can honestly tell you that those angels and God will never once leave the sides of these innocent and perfect children. 

Finn's medical problems were not that serious compared to many of the children here, and I never really feared that we might loose him. The parents and children here are brave. I cannot even fathom how hard it must be for some of the families here. We are so blessed to have so many loving family members and friends that have asked what they can do for us during this time. Thank you so much!