Tuesday, March 20, 2012


On and off I've been reading about grief and how to accept it and not think I'm "crazy." For me, right now is a time of searching for answers and yearning for what might have been. Often times though, there are no answers. Since there are no clear cut answers I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and fear. Fear of this happening again. Fear for Finn. Fear for Dennen. Fear of everything and anything. Basically fear of something else bad lurking around the corner. It is so hard for me to calm my mind sometimes. At first nights were the hardest for me. A feeling that everyone else is asleep and that I'm the only one awake. Just thinking. I had some bad dreams early on and I think that's what scared me the most about nights. Having bad, scary, dreams. I want to always have positive feelings about Rowan. Having unpleasant dreams about her is so hard.

The day something went wrong 2/27/2012. Rowan had always been a mover in my belly. I felt her final movements early Monday morning. I went about the day trying to do the things that they tell you to do to get your baby moving. I wasn't overly stressed or scared. I just figured maybe she was in a different position or something. I laid down for awhile so that I could concentrate on trying to feel Rowan move. Nothing. At that time I felt like I should go and sit on the couch and close my eyes. I asked and pleaded with God at that time that I would know if I should go to the doctor. In a very calming way I felt God prompt me gently that "Yes, it's time."

Finn was sleeping so I just told Dennen that I would run over to the doctor's office and call him if anything was up. I told him it probably wasn't a big deal so not to worry. I felt calm and not worried or scared.

An ultrasound tech came in and did an ultrasound to see if Rowan had a heart beat. I knew something was wrong when she asked, "When did you last feel her move?" She then went to get another ultrasound tech. Right then and there I pleaded in my heart, "Heavenly Father, please let everything be okay with Rowan, please, please." When  the other ultrasound tech came in she told me how sorry she was. Rowan had no heart beat. Irrational unbelieving thoughts immediately rushed through my head. "Can't you do a c-section and get her out and save her?" I asked. With tears in her eyes, the ultra sound tech just kept telling me how sorry she was. My heart sank. This can't be happening, I thought. Not to us. Not now. Not with all we've been through with Finn. At that point I was sobbing and just asked the ultra sound tech if she would give me a hug. In that moment, that hug and act of kindness meant so much to me. I am still so grateful for it.

I called Dennen to come to the doctor's office. When he arrived we both just hugged each other and wept, and wept. The world seemed to stop for us... Thoughts rushed through our minds. How could this happen? What happened? Why didn't God prompt me to go to the doctor sooner? A million questions and thoughts filled our minds. I said a prayer in my heart that I would stop asking those questions. At this point in time I ask them a lot less and am grateful for that.

When the doctor came in he told us that I had a lot of amniotic fluid which can be a sign of congenital defects. Rowan wasn't swallowing and excreting the amniotic fluid like she should have been, and it was probably because one or multiple organs weren't functioning correctly. It wasn't the fluid itself that caused her to die, just a sign that something more serious was wrong with her. We still don't know for sure exactly what happened. Just a general idea. She was so perfect on the outside when I delivered her that it was hard to believe anything was wrong.

Not knowing the "whys" in life can be so difficult. God is the only one who knows, and accepting that is something that I am trying to do every day.


Kim said...

So beautifully written. I'm in tears. Thank you for keeping this journey of yours so well documented and allowing us all to be a part of your lives and your grieving process. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. You're in my prayers.

Kari said...

The part about hugging the tech really got me. Again, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Anonymous said...

Oh Hilary...I can't imagine what you have been going through. That is so hard and I am so sorry. You have been on my mind constantly since this occurred and this song keeps coming to my head. I love the outdoors and find it to be very therapeutic and maybe thats why I like it so much:

Consider the lilies of the field,
How they grow, how they grow.
Consider the birds in the sky,
How they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds in the sky.
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of His fold,
How they follow where He leads.
Though the path may wind across the mountains,
He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this earth.
The pains of all of them He carried
From the day of His birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs in His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs in His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

Cashia and Bryce Z said...

Thanks for sharing Hil. That was written so well. You are such an amazing person and example to me. You guys are in our prayers. Love you.

Kelly said...

Love you Hils. I think about you a lot. You're so strong to be going through this and not lose your faith.