Tuesday, March 20, 2012
On and off I've been reading about grief and how to accept it and not think I'm "crazy." For me, right now is a time of searching for answers and yearning for what might have been. Often times though, there are no answers. Since there are no clear cut answers I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and fear. Fear of this happening again. Fear for Finn. Fear for Dennen. Fear of everything and anything. Basically fear of something else bad lurking around the corner. It is so hard for me to calm my mind sometimes. At first nights were the hardest for me. A feeling that everyone else is asleep and that I'm the only one awake. Just thinking. I had some bad dreams early on and I think that's what scared me the most about nights. Having bad, scary, dreams. I want to always have positive feelings about Rowan. Having unpleasant dreams about her is so hard.
The day something went wrong 2/27/2012. Rowan had always been a mover in my belly. I felt her final movements early Monday morning. I went about the day trying to do the things that they tell you to do to get your baby moving. I wasn't overly stressed or scared. I just figured maybe she was in a different position or something. I laid down for awhile so that I could concentrate on trying to feel Rowan move. Nothing. At that time I felt like I should go and sit on the couch and close my eyes. I asked and pleaded with God at that time that I would know if I should go to the doctor. In a very calming way I felt God prompt me gently that "Yes, it's time."
Finn was sleeping so I just told Dennen that I would run over to the doctor's office and call him if anything was up. I told him it probably wasn't a big deal so not to worry. I felt calm and not worried or scared.
An ultrasound tech came in and did an ultrasound to see if Rowan had a heart beat. I knew something was wrong when she asked, "When did you last feel her move?" She then went to get another ultrasound tech. Right then and there I pleaded in my heart, "Heavenly Father, please let everything be okay with Rowan, please, please." When the other ultrasound tech came in she told me how sorry she was. Rowan had no heart beat. Irrational unbelieving thoughts immediately rushed through my head. "Can't you do a c-section and get her out and save her?" I asked. With tears in her eyes, the ultra sound tech just kept telling me how sorry she was. My heart sank. This can't be happening, I thought. Not to us. Not now. Not with all we've been through with Finn. At that point I was sobbing and just asked the ultra sound tech if she would give me a hug. In that moment, that hug and act of kindness meant so much to me. I am still so grateful for it.
I called Dennen to come to the doctor's office. When he arrived we both just hugged each other and wept, and wept. The world seemed to stop for us... Thoughts rushed through our minds. How could this happen? What happened? Why didn't God prompt me to go to the doctor sooner? A million questions and thoughts filled our minds. I said a prayer in my heart that I would stop asking those questions. At this point in time I ask them a lot less and am grateful for that.
When the doctor came in he told us that I had a lot of amniotic fluid which can be a sign of congenital defects. Rowan wasn't swallowing and excreting the amniotic fluid like she should have been, and it was probably because one or multiple organs weren't functioning correctly. It wasn't the fluid itself that caused her to die, just a sign that something more serious was wrong with her. We still don't know for sure exactly what happened. Just a general idea. She was so perfect on the outside when I delivered her that it was hard to believe anything was wrong.
Not knowing the "whys" in life can be so difficult. God is the only one who knows, and accepting that is something that I am trying to do every day.