Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A grief observed

Years ago I read 'A grief observed,' by C.S. Lewis. The book is about the time after he lost his wife. He writes every thought and emotion of how he feels. His writings are so honest. Here are some quotes from the book that in a way, portray how I feel at times.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
-C.S. Lewis

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."
-C.S. Lewis 

"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."
-C.S. Lewis 

"It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter."
-C.S. Lewis 

Missing Rowan is so hard, the grief ebbs and flows. There are times when I feel normal and people probably think, "she's handling it well." There are other times when I just lay down and sob. I can honestly say though, that I am grateful for the times that I feel normal and happy. Little by little I know those good times will increase.


Ry and Heather said...

Thank you so much for sharing these! Grief is one of the craziest and hardest things to explain. It doesn't stay constant, front and center 24 hours a day 7 days a week, but it's ALWAYS there and in the back of your mind. The "it happens" or "it'll lessen with time" may be true, but it's still there (and it doesn't help to hear that). I'm truly sorry for your loss, and hope that you find joy in time! Remember - if you or Dennan need ANYTHING, please let us know!

Machelle said...

Wow... I don't even know what to say except that I am so so incredibly sorry!!! my heart is wrenching knowing what you and Dennen are going through. It's good to see such a strong support system in your lives :) isn't family wonderful? my deepest condolences go out to you and your sweet family... you're in my prayers...

The Kynastons said...

I'm glad you have some normal and happy times....but just remember that having times of total sadness is also normal for going through something like this. It doesn't make you any less strong - it's just part of the grieving/healing process. You are still in my thoughts and prayers.

kris said...

We are so sorry to hear of your loss. You are in our thoughts and prayers. -The Perschons

Katie said...

Not sure this will help you in any way, but here it is.

More than any other feeling I'm currently having, I am ANGRY that you and Dennen have to go through this.


And you know what it's like when a red head gets mad.

I just looked up the stages of grief on wikipedia and anger is only #2. Yikes.

Love you with all my heart.

kim edvarchuk said...

Hang in there Hilary. I'm sure the ups and downs will continue but you are an amazing woman. I admire you so much and know you are so strong. I pray that God blesses you with peace and strength. We continue to pray for your family

Anonymous said...

Knowing that many parents will face a miscarriage or a stillbirth sometime during their childbearing years doesn’t make it any easier to experience. Generally, the grieving process moves slowly from shock and numbness, through searching and yearning, to disorientation and depression, and finally to acceptance and an ability to enjoy life without feeling guilty.

While I was grieving, I found great assurances in the words of the Savior. On one of my loneliest, blackest days, I read in the New Testament: “I will not leave you comfortless. … Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:18, 27.)

Eliza said...

You don't know me but I went to High School with you and and I grew up in Dennan's ward. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm still in your in-laws ward and cried when they announced your daughter had past away. I lost a daughter 5 months ago and hate that this has to happen to other people too. Praying for your family.
Eliza Hutchings