Friday, March 2, 2012

Rowan Sage's service

I've decided that I want to write some things down as we go through this horrible grieving of losing our precious little girl. I'll do little bits at a time when I feel able. We are grateful for eternal families, but at this moment in time it is not helpful to know, and doesn't ease our pains. She isn't here with us now, and that is what is so heart-wrenchingly painful. I am so angry at times, but I know that the Lord understands and forgives me for it.

Rowan Sage's graveside service was yesterday. It was so beautiful and we felt so much love. There are enormous holes in our hearts and there always will be. But being able to express some thoughts from the depths of our souls helped make the holes in our hearts not quite so big.

The beautiful program that Dennen's brother Derek made

I'd like to share a part from the service. Dennen's letter to his baby girl.

Dear Baby Rowan,
I wish I didn’t have to write this letter. When you first entered this world, I held your little body and kept imagining that any second you would take a big breath of air, your cheeks would turn rosy pink, you would start crying, and we would have to swaddle and rock you to calm you down. But of course that was a fantasy. Instead, we cried over you and fought back the thoughts of “What if?” I thought about what you would look like, and if you would have the spunky personality of your mom. I wondered if you would like sports or be artistic or have other interests. I wondered if you would be a graceful skier like your mom or a reckless, goofy skier like your dad. I thought about you and Finn playing together and imagined Finn being a protective older brother. I wondered what thoughts would go through my head when you went on your first date and grew from a little girl into a young woman. Everything I had imagined about our future as a family had you in a starring role. When that future abruptly changed, it hurt worse than anything I have ever felt before. And it hurt because we love you deeply. It was shocking how much love we felt for you when your delicate little body arrived. We weren’t sure how we would feel, but the affection was instant.
For the few hours we were able to spend with your precious body, the veil was so thin.  Although there was heartache, sobbing, tears, and pain, we were comforted in the knowledge that your precious spirit was too pure for this world. I found myself thinking about eternal families and the sealing ordinance. I found myself praying with more intent. I found myself thinking about the Savior and his suffering. I found myself pondering the fragility and shortness of our time on Earth. I felt comfort and gratitude knowing that I will someday know you and have an opportunity to be your dad and knowing that I’ll be greeted by your beautiful face on the other side. In knowing that I can meet you again, you’ve blessed me with a more eternal perspective. I can say that this experience, however painful, has motivated me to be a better person. It has stripped away all the superficialities of life and made plain what is important. I feel a need to be kinder, to empathize with those who are suffering, to spend less time thinking about myself and more time serving others, to keep loved ones close and express how much I care for them every opportunity I get, and to be more like Christ. I feel more compelled to seek out all that is virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy. And for that, I thank you, baby Rowan.
Rowan, it is hard to explain the outpouring of love that has occurred because of your passing. There are so many people that love you, so many people that gave of their time and went out of their way to comfort our family. They have all been a reminder that there is so much good in this world and that kind words and deeds have more power than we think.
You are loved, my sweet baby girl. Your memory will remain with us as we pass through this existence. Knowing that you are waiting for our arrival on the other side will be a blessing and a motivation to your family throughout their lives. We love you Rowan.
Your Dad


kim edvarchuk said...

I am so so sorry for your and Dennen's loss. I know there aren't really any words I could say that would ease your pain. But I want you to know I have been thinking about your family and carrying a prayer in my heart for you these past couple of days. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of us and our pain and I pray that he continues to bless you with peace and comfort during this time.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. May love surround and carry you through your sadness~

Peace be with you~

Michelle said...

My dear Fraziers,
Tears have been streaming down my face as I've looked at your pictures of your beautiful little Rowan and the lovely service you had yesterday. And Dennen's letter is so very tender and sweet. Wish we could have been there to give each of you big hugs. It just breaks my heart. My thoughts and prayers are continually with you. I know Heavenly Father is very mindful of you.

Melissa Staker said...

Hilary, I've been thinking about your sweet family all week. My heart aches for you and for all those who feel the loss of your beautiful baby girl. I pray that you will be able to feel peace and strength, and the love of a Heavenly Father is is mindful of you in your greatest moments of grief.

Celestial Starr said...

What a Beautiful letter for such a Beautiful Baby Girl. What an amazing family you are to walk through this fire and continue holding on to what you know to be true. Dennen has such an amazing way with words! Every word was from his very soul and true to the core. I want you to know that your little girl has already had a profound effect on my life. Since Rowen has been a part of my life, I have treasured more what I hold dear as well. Life is so fragile and the people we interact with and especially the ones we are tied to eternally mean EVERYTHING. Thank you so much for sharing this and for being so completely honest about your feelings.

Please know we think of you often and are sending up prayers constantly on your behalf. May God hold you in His Arms at this time and continue to let you feel His love as well as the love from many others that is being poured out upon your family!!!

Marie said...

I don't know what to say other than that I am so sorry for your loss. I just felt like I had to say something though. This post made me bawl and I just can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now. However I truly felt the spirit reading this and I know that Heavenly Father and your sweet baby girl are watching over you. We are praying for you.

The Kynastons said...

The service was so beautiful, Hilary. What a special way to honor your sweet girl. You and Dennen are amazing people and I was impressed by your strength yesterday in such a hard circumstance. Sending lots of love, thoughts, and prayers your way.

Lauree said...

hi guys.

trey just emailed me. just wanted to say we are thinking about you and sending lots of love, patience and strength your way.

blue skies
cory, lauree, dylan and wren

Tisha Morgan said...

Hilary, thank you for this post. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now, and I pray that your beautiful family will find the peace and comfort you need and deserve. I couldnn't help but cry reading this post and wondering what I would do in the same circumstance. You are Dennen are amazing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

The Murray Family said...

Hilary, Dennen, and Finn,
I can't seem to find the words to adequately express how sorry I am for your loss. You have been in my thoughts and prayers since the moment I heard about Rowan. I wish I could have come to the service, it sounds like it was very special. Thank you for sharing her beautiful pictures.

Becca said...

I am very sorry for your loss and hope you can find the comfort you need to get through this hard time. Our prayers are with your sweet family. I know you know you will be with Rowen again and have the privilege of raising her. Here's a quote I hope will bring you comfort.
"Infants and children do not grow in the grave, but when they come forth, they will come forth with the same body and in the same size in which the body was when it was laid away. After the resurrection the body will grow until it has reached the full stature of manhood or womanhood." -Bruce R. McConkie, Doctrines of Salvation

The Rael's said...

Hilary, Dennen and Finn
As I look at those beautiful pictures and read that amazing letter I can't help but have tears streaming down my face. You are all in my thoughts and prayers and I cannot express to how deeply sorry I am. I so wish I could have come to the service.

Laura cook said...

Hilary, Dennen and Finn,

I'm so glad that I somehow had a part in this....I am so sorry... Thank you for sending me the pictures and the letter made my heart break :(.

My prayers are with you all.

Love Your cousin