Thursday, March 8, 2012

A letter from mom

Dear beautiful Rowan Sage,

I am honored to be your mother. Your family loves you so deeply that words can hardly describe such a love. When I was in labor with you, it was so hard knowing that when you would come, your spirit would have already returned to Heaven.  I kept trying to picture Christ in my mind during that time. Him, suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane. Him, suffering on the cross and asking God, "why hast thou forsaken me?"

When you were born, your dad and I wept and sobbed with such grief, that it felt as though every fiber of our beings were utterly destroyed. I have never felt such grief, and it cut me to the very depths of my soul. We were so worried that we wouldn't feel as deep of a love as we should towards you. We did feel that love though, and will cherish it in our hearts always.

One word that describes how I felt about your precious, beautiful, body, is reverence. A reverence and respect for God's creations. For giving you a body. I kept holding your tiny hands and stroking your soft cheeks. I couldn't get over how soft your little cheeks were. Softer than anything I have ever felt. Your dad was so cute and was gently rocking your tiny body. We wrapped you in the pure white blanket that your older brother Finn was blessed in. It made me imagine you being held and loved by your Heavenly Father and Mother.

I yearned for your spirit to return to your body so I could feed you and feel your tiny fingers grasp around mine.  I wanted the comfort of feeling your chest rise and fall with each breath of air. I missed you horribly Rowan, and still do.

The kindest lady came to clean and dress you in a cute little pink and white outfit. She was so respectful and careful with your delicate body. She had had a 12 month old baby of her own die, and seemed to know how precious little ones like you are.  I had knitted you a white and pink hat the day before you died. It fit you perfectly. The same lady that cleaned and dressed you asked if we wanted her to take pictures of you. I had always wondered why parents had pictures taken of their stillborn babies, and thought it a little strange. But now, we cherish the pictures and are able to look at them with such reverence and love.

We love you Rowan. Forever and always. We are grateful you came to our family, although the time was brief. I felt your life with every little kick in my womb, and cherish those moments dearly.

Your Mom


marissa said...

That was such a beautiful letter Hilary, You are such a amazing and strong mother.

Birrell Family said...

My heart aches for you. For all of you. These are beautiful feelings. Keep writing, for this is the legacy you will leave for Finn and for all of Rowan's siblings that will come to you. Life is hard and it is during these hard times that we see where our hearts lie . . . I could not feel more sadness, yet feel more love and amazement of the woman you are Hilary. You are and will continue to be in my prayers.
Love, Brenda

The Kynastons said...

This made me teary-eyed. Beautiful letter, Hil.